Dear Diary,
I’ve been busy, having fun, and being productive since I last wrote. Finishing up some final (and beginning?! fingers are crossed…) touches on a secret project. Getting together with the hubby’s work friends, who have become mine. Is there anything better than a cozy gathering with holiday cocktails and the Partridge Family Christmas album on the turntable? I’ve been writing more copy for my upcoming app, and I read an excerpt of my fantasy novel manuscript at an Open Mic event!
All this to say, the other morning I found myself (literally) crying into my cat. I had woken to the news that Rob Reiner and his wife had been found dead in their home. Although I love his work, he wasn’t at the forefront of my following list. But it was just Too Much. Add that to more shootings, more kidnappings, more and more hateful comments on the internet. Sometimes, it’s just Too Much.
A dear friend recently had to cancel plans because of an anxiety attack. I know that feeling all too well. Sure, she has her own stress she’s dealing with, but I don’t think it’s random that this happened to her now, for the first time in years. ‘Tis the season.
It’s nothing new to feel stressed and icky at holiday time. I am very fortunate that I never feel that way—there are no expectations laid on me, and I don’t have to gather with people I’d rather not be with. For a long time now, I haven’t celebrated what people call the conventional ‘reason for the season,’ but I still love those old traditions and the music that goes along with it. Generally, they make me feel good.
But now…I see Santa as a symbol for privilege. I hear the music, and it makes me sad. Where is the “peace on earth, good-will to men”? Never has that felt more distant than it does right now. I’m already planning on ditching most of my ‘Santa’ decor and replacing it with Krampus next year.
Whether we love holiday time or not, I believe we are all feeling the heaviness in the air. (When I say all, I mean the people who are actually in touch with empathy.) How can we not be affected by it, even when we aren’t specifically thinking about the latest tragedy or disgusting rant? It hovers over us like a cold, wet blanket, waiting to suffocate us in its dread and discomfort. Celebrating the holidays at a time like this is such an example of disturbing dualism. Still, we need the cozy comfort of yesteryear…if, of course, it brought us comfort in the first place.
This rant is to say, don’t be hard on yourself if you’re feeling unexpectedly down, disappointed, and disconnected. Or terrified. So many of us are bumbling around trying to connect to something that feels good. For me, that’s friends, family, a cozy lit tree in a warm house, the beauty of Mother Nature, who is consistent and reliable. And the effort of reminding myself that this IS life. It’s not meant to be pleasant all the time, or fair, or just. This shit has happened before, and it will cycle out eventually. It will also come back around. It’s life as a human being, and it’s temporary. I try to look at things from a distance, and that comforts me a little. A little.
Today, I return to a happy place, The Loft, to shuffle some papers and enter more notes on a computer. I’m meeting up with another volunteer whose company I enjoy and who is bringing me a donut. !! This week still promises coffee with a friend, an outing with another, and TWO holiday gatherings over the weekend. And then the quiet beauty of the Winter Solstice.
And speaking of that, here is a tarot spread you may enjoy. The solstice is the perfect time to get quiet, light a candle or a fire, break out your journal, and go inward for reflection. Even if you don’t use the cards for these insights, you can meditate on these questions and see what comes up for you.
The Winter Solstice is the longest night. It signifies death and rebirth, transitions and renewals. It invites you to peek into the darkness—your shadows—and greet them like a friend. See what they have to teach you, and how they can actually comfort you.
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